Perspective

Remember to search deeper, even when the bottom of the bucket looks empty and even when you have gone as many miles as your legs will carry you.  Remember to do this because there will be times that it all seems in vain; all of your life lessons, all of the things you value and hold high, everything you have strived to do and to be, all of the beautiful things you've read and all of the words of wisdom you're given.  Carry your victories and let go of your failures.  Look for the qualities in others you admire and forget about their less-than-savory ones.  Give more than you take. Whenever your heart hurts, it makes all of these things seem so irrelevant, and naive even.  They aren't.  It's human nature to feel like things are unfair, but if we stretch just a little, we may recognize that the same injustices we believe are blocking our path are actually paving it.  

The only way out is through.  -Robert Frost

It's not you, it's me.

It's not you, it's me.  This is usually a sentence used when attempting to salvage someone's feelings from being hurt by your feelings.  However, this precise set of words can be used in a myriad of situations, if not all of them, because it really isn't the other person.  Not ever.  It is you.  Always.

We ourselves allow others to treat us in one manner or another.  In the same way that I show someone my dislike of certain foods, I also show people what is ok and not ok to do around me/with me/"to" me.  All too often, we look at our lives and blame someone/something else for the problems in it, but no matter how seemingly unfair we have it, there is always an element when we step back that we can take ownership for.  Sounds so simple, but human emotions and ego will not allow us to believe it about ourselves.  After all, why would we be doing something to sabotage our own lives?  How is it possible we could be responsible for pain that someone else inflicted on us?  Our decisions, driven often by emotions, are not that of a machine that would be able to accurately pinpoint what, or who for that matter, is good and bad for our well-being.  A machine would rely solely on data from past experience and stats, without the slightest doubt from brain matter clouded by emotion and chemicals.  Yet this is where the beauty of the mind lies and where art is born; in the tumultuous storm of human feeling and heart.  We are addicted to experience and the belief that somewhere, there must be another person who thinks just like we do that we can sit back and judge the world by our shared measuring stick of right and wrong.  When the person inevitably disappoints us, or us them, with a differing opinion, point of view or action, it hurts because we wonder why they can't just see it like we do.

As humans, we are largely ruled by our emotions and egos.  Yes, men do get overruled by their emotions and women are guilty of acting out of ego as much as any guy.  It is virtually impossible to see our own issues, especially when someone else is being so blatantly horrible in their actions.  But...and here is the big but, (ha..sorry-couldn't help that one) we do have a choice in how we react and how we move forward.  If and when we can let go of the idea that someone is doing something "to" us and instead realize that we are in control of fixing things ourselves, (reviewing our perceptions, changing our expectations and ideas of others) those once-hurtful things that someone "did" to us lose their charge and, in turn, their vicious hold on our happiness.  It takes a lot of strength to habitually look inside and take accountability for things that may not seem like our problem to fix, but life becomes exponentially easier when we remember we are always in our own driver's seat.   It's not you, it's me.

It's ok.

It's ok.  It's ok to think or feel a certain way about something in a manner that no one else agrees with.  It is not only ok...it is the single, greatest gift you can give yourself to honor that feeling or thought.  So often, we do what the world says is "good" without considering whether we believe that.  Does it make your heart sing?  Or at least not hurt?  When choosing between two actions, do we consider whether life is supposed to be joyful, or consist of perpetual suffering?  Many times the things that are considered pious and honorable DO make us feel good…it feels good to give, it feels good to lift another up…it feels good to consider things in a positive light.  What about when it doesn't?  What about the times that no matter how hard we try, we cannot seem to wrap our head around doing things the way the world wants, (or likes for that matter)?  THAT IS YOUR HEART SPEAKING and you need to LISTEN.  I'm not speaking of when your physical body is asking for something, (i.e. food, sex, endorphins) I am talking about when your mind is saying, "no, that is not logical and goes against what I know", but inside you are being pushed.  When you say to yourself, "what will everyone think?  It makes no sense and others will surely judge me on it", but your inner guidance is leading you something, it is absolutely worth a second (and third) thought.  Why? Because others are not living your life.  Others do not spend time in your mind, and ultimately,others do not have control of your happiness….you do.  It takes so much strength to draw from your own wisdom and to follow your heart, but truly, you are only here for a set amount of time (of which you have no way of knowing its duration).  Spending that time unhappily, and suffering for the sake of pleasing others, (*note I did not say helping) is not only futile, it is a true slap in the face to the Creator who made you to LIVE and ENJOY the gift that is life.  Anything less is idle complacency.  

Pretty Pictures

With most people, it is natural to want to be liked and to be looked at as shiny & new…free of faults.  You meet new friends and it is refreshing to have a clean slate of sorts.  They are unfamiliar with your idiosyncrasies, bad habits & short comings.  They know nothing of your hypocritical tendency to curse like a sailor and then glare at the guy on the train dropping F-bombs into his cell.  Your OCD hides behind the guise of being a self-proclaimed neat freak and your children/husband/wife/boyfriend, (please fill in appropriate title) are always "the BEST!"  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with painting a pretty picture…it is human nature to do so.  One of the beautiful things about intimate relationships though, friends, spouses or otherwise, is that they've come to know all of the crazy, annoying things about you and (shocker!) still love you.

I personally believe, to my core, the power of thinking positively & seeing the good in people/things.  That doesn't mean I've never questioned it, or even that I practice it 100% of the time; just that consistently, it's helped more than hurt me throughout life.  How much easier would everything be if we could navigate through our days without any fear of being judged, reprimanded or "fixed"?  If we could expose our deepest fears and anxieties in a social setting without feeling as though someone else was filtering our every word to hear only what they wanted out of it.  Nowadays, life at work, school & even church can become a soap opera turned into a National Enquirer front page and a simple statement about being tired can morph into you having mono by the time the story reaches person 3.  Seriously, who wants to share??  All the yentas aside…it is refreshing to be yourself and not care what the hell someone else thinks.  Letting it all hang out actually makes you more comfortable around others…and them more comfortable around you.

How exhausting to feel the need to maintain a stiff smile when you're just sad, (or pissed!)  I know, I've done it plenty myself.  There have been numerous times when one of the kids is being horrible in a formal setting and all I want to do is take him outside by the ear, but instead I smile through gritted teeth and calmly say, "please stop" in a controlled, nice-mommy voice.  I find it hilarious when someone comments how well behaved they are or how much patience I have…so much that I've actually had to hold back saying "HA! Yeah right!!" to a perfect stranger who was just giving us kind compliments.

Propriety will always have its place, and manners will always reign supreme as lady or gentleman-like behavior, so never neglect common courtesy.  You don't, however, have to cover up your bad taste in music, (I'm looking at you with the latest auto-tuned radio pop on replay) your American Girl doll furniture collection that you began in your 30s or your insatiable sweet tooth.  (only one out of those three things is mine...pretty easy guess ;)  Choose to live your truth, be yourself and, most importantly, accept others, flaws and all.  *forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

      "Those who matter, don't mind.  Those who mind, DON'T MATTER!!"
                                                                                                  - Dr. Seuss

Sparks Burn

"Sometimes Sparks Burn"

You do things to help others and they are unappreciative, apathetic, prove themselves undeserving and even manage to stab you in the back here and there.  You share a romance, friendship or business relationship and never know if you can trust someone, never know who is using you and perhaps will never understand their motives.  With all the uncertainty in human relationships, how is it possible to ever have one....with anyone?  How is it possible to do anything from the heart or walk with confidence in your dealings with others, personally or from a career standpoint?  When you get burned, it stings enough to know not to mess with fire anymore.  So how do you callous yourself to the sting without callousing yourself to people?  How do you keep a flame for what or who you love when that very fire has burned the hand that made it?  HAVE FAITH.  Whatever your religion, whatever higher power you believe in, trust that nothing is greater and every problem can be solved.  (..and even if you are a so-called "atheist"---there is such thing as having faith in yourself so trust that "the power within you" that is purely cells and matter, matters too.)  There are a million things that happen on a daily basis that make no sense, are wrong, hurtful and horrible.  Y'know what….not your problem!  People who do those things have to live with themselves…some of them do it well.  For yourself though, remember that the worst stress you can have is the kind you give yourself….and it's all given to us by ourselves.


One great phrase that truly deserves the honor of being a resolution, New Year's or otherwise, is "WORRY LESS & TRUST MORE".  Easier said than done?  Yes.  Possible?  Also, yes.  I push myself to remember this every time a headache overtakes me, every time I find myself over thinking something and every time I start to have negative, defeated thoughts running through my head.  Do right by yourself and those close to you.  Treat others with respect.  Show love.  Share all of your blessings, talents & gifts.  Have faith that there is a plan and that good deeds and efforts do not go unnoticed.  Again, even if you do not believe that a robed man in the sky is looking down taking notes... guess what?  Every day, you do subconsciously and what you think of yourself inside is how you will see the world.  You can have nothing and this will bring in everything for you.  You can have everything and this will give it all meaning.

Safeguard yourself from becoming a jaded, grumpy (or bitchy) old person and embrace the ebb and flow of life.  Not everything is always rainbows and sunshine, but you can learn to trust that the storms will pass.  Fireproof your eyes so you can see the world without fear, leave your heart open to experience passion for life.  However many times it's burned you before, have faith...a little spark is always good.



“There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.” 
― Ronald Reagan


“You may be the only person left who believes in you, but it's enough. It takes just one star to pierce a universe of darkness. Never give up.” 
― Richelle E. Goodrich

Green-Eyed Monster

Something I vehemently work on in our house of close-in-age-same-sex kids is ensuring they support each other in their talents and interests.  Of course, I know the desperate reaching for this goal may be in vain, and they can easily grow up to be highly competitive and destructive of each other's dreams anyway, but we will sure as hell make the effort.


Like many, I have been lucky enough to have some very petty people around me for most of my life.  When someone else did something good, owned something cool, or achieved something great, these people would make them feel guilty for it, or make that person feel bad for owning, being or doing something better than mediocre.  It was almost bullying to a degree...like a reverse snobbery.  I've seen many really wonderful-spirited, good-hearted people broken because of this.  They lose their spark of what drives them and are so mentally beat up because of their achievements, blessings or belongings that they give up and shun anything better than average.  People even get talked about just for being happy-go-lucky types with nothing material to be jealous of.  (..the nerve of that person to be happy while there are others struggling!)  Yes, this happens in school, but kids can be taught and guided to change as they grow...unfortunately, an adult is typically set in their ways and it takes a major life-event for any change of serious nature.  Jealousy is considered one of the seven deadly sins and if you look at the way these people operate, you will know why...it's evil at its worst!  I used to think, "what an asshole!"  (ok...I still do sometimes)  For the most part though, I pity these people because really, how horrible must your experience be to have to constantly bring others down or stir up negativity in others' minds?  I try hard not to feel condescending or inflated, (though it is challenging when they're acting like jerks) and I understand my own perceptions may give me a sense of superiority when I know someone is being "evil", but it also allows me to feel more compassion for this type of behavior.  It doesn't mean I want to be around it, but I'm able to let go of the hatred that can come of it.  I'm not being sarcastic when I say I feel lucky to have had these people in my life...because of it I've learned ways to mitigate or lessen it.

1.  Don't brag...(well not to anyone except your true friends anyway!)  Now I know that most of these people will find fault whether you do or not, but it does help to deter the "green-eyed monster" of envy.  

2.  Limit your time with people who consistently make you feel self-conscious about what you have, what you do, where you live, the vehicle you drive.  (and this goes both ways whether you have a lot or nothing at all--who needs to feel like that?) Life and all the parts of it should be celebrated and treated as a gift...anyone who acts like you should apologize for being yourself is someone who it is probably prudent to steer clear of, unless you are able to handle your "frenemy".    

3.  Share!  Share what you have....nothing softens hearts more than receiving a gift.  Something meaningful, materialistic or even just the gift of a genuine, kind word from you may be all someone needs to feel better about themselves and less likely to be nasty.

4.  This may sound corny or whatever, but seriously, PRAY for people.  You are fortunate enough to be blessed with a good heart...maybe the heinous one who has it out for you didn't get this grace given to them.

Lastly...STOP WORRYING about what these people think or say!  I have a very intelligent friend who gives great advice and the underlying message when she is talking me down from being stressed is not to worry so much...not about what others think, not about an outcome...and she is right.  At the end of the day, they are them and you are you.  Do your best and have good intentions, that is all you truly have control over.


"The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.
William Penn 

“The number our envious persons, confirmation our capability.”
― Oscar Wilde

Just Do It!

Sometimes you begin something of so much importance that you think about it to the point where it never even transpires.  You ponder the difficulty of it, you create solutions to potential roadblocks, and you second guess yourself because the toll it takes on your mind is so great that you feel your head exploding with doubts and worry.  Then there are times when you kinda fall into something, go with the flow and find yourself in the middle of something amazing that you hadn't even planned on.  Something that you weren't even too excited about is now one of the biggest parts of your life and motivates you to move in the morning.

People always talk about being prepared and planning...about making goals and subgoals.  Why is it then that the best-laid plans are often trumped by life's surprises, and even challenges?  Why do some of your greatest achievements happen upon you when you were trying so hard to achieve something else?

On days when things are clipping along, I stop and wonder how it all gets done.  The answer...it doesn't, I'm just too busy to notice what minute things fell through the cracks.  When I choose to focus on what matters, (to me) I find that the little things that can almost literally implode my mind have meager value in the big picture.  Friends who know me are well-aware of my "tunnel-vision" when working on something.  For some purposes, this trait is brilliantly useful...for other situations it is exclusive of all else and incredibly annoying. (just ask my friends ;)  Focusing on the positive part, it really does allow you to laser-beam your energies into a project...truly pouring your heart and soul into a real purpose and letting the smaller, less life-changing details affect you.

Nike's well-known slogan, "Just Do It!" is such a wise phrase.  It implores action instead of planning.  I am not condoning mindless activity, but instead, ridding your mind of the noise that is procrastination.  "Just do it"...just start something as you're thinking of it and the inertia will grow, the inspiration will come and soon enough your thoughts and ideas are manifesting into tangible creations.  When we wait and do not trust the process, sometimes we never leave the launch pad.

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone” 
― Pablo Picasso

“A year from now you may wish you had started today.” 
― Karen Lamb